Life, death, Astros!

Life, death, Astros!

Yesterday and today, I was at a conference in Houston.  Although I wasn’t too sure about the conference, it turned out to be a blessing.  I got to see a beloved friend, I got to hang out with a long time sister (from another mister) and I was able to watch the Astros during the third game of the World Series.  It’s been a full day and that’s not all.  Today, I had the privilege of celebrating the birth (although at a distance) of my friend’s baby!  It was such a joyful and incredible moment to hear that this little guy had been born and then to see the first pictures of this beautiful baby.  On this same day, I received a sad notice that another friend of mine had lost her father.  An amazing, intelligent and gentle man who had served so many throughout his journey and who came to a point in his journey where he decided to trust in the profound love of the One who calls us each into life!  It was mixed prayer time for me, mourning with a friend as she mourns the loss of her father and rejoicing with other friends as they enter this new and hope-filled part of their journeys.  And then, I get to my room for the night and receive two simple messages of love and support.  Not really understanding why I replied in kind and sent my regards… and then it hit me, eight years ago today, my own life and my family’s lives changed forever as our own dad passed away very, very suddenly.  I had been driving home and was in Trinidad, Colorado when I missed a call from my brother.  As soon as I saw that he had called, I listened to the message and his voice, somber, left a simple message; “Take your time getting back.”  I knew.  The rest of the trip was a long time of driving, pulling over and having my talks with God as I prepared myself to serve my own family as I had served so many others before.  In time, I made it home and the rest of the days seem to melt into one. 

As I reflect on this day, I sit in humility as I think to all the moments of intimacy that I have been privileged to share with so many people along my wild and crazy journey, and hopefully, I will be able to do so for many more years to come and many more lives. 

This past Monday, I was able to sit on a panel for an LGBT+ conference and after all the questions had been asked, I simply said to the people gathered, “Don’t be afraid.  Whatever life throws at you, don’t be afraid.  Walk boldly into every step and celebrate who you are and who God has made you to be!  Shine and let others shine with you.” 

I give thanks to God for the call to serve in this manner, and I hope that in doing so, others will be inspired to serve according to their own gifts and talents because no matter who we are, we each can share love.  Be love.  Be you.  And always remember that You are beautiful, and You are loved! 

For the record, at the writing of this blog, the Astros are leading at the top of the 7^th, 4 to 1!

6 years ago today.

Six years ago today, I woke up a priest with no faculties.  This meant that while I was still recognized as a priest in the Roman Catholic Church, I was not able to work publicly as a priest, or as someone stated it, Jesus will be there, but he just won't be happy about it...  ok.
As I recall, it was a bleak October day.  I honestly don't remember much about that day or that week.  To think back on it now, I honestly don't know how I got through those first few days, especially after 13 years of a life that had been regimented and within a very specific context, and all of a sudden, it was all gone! 
Today, I got up a little late (it is my day off) and sat at my prayer desk as I do most mornings.  I opened my prayer book and my Bible and started my prayer.  All the while, my cat was trying to nudge her way into my left hand, a daily routine she has become very adept at.  After prayer, I took some time to reflect on this day six years ago.  I remembered leaving the rectory and having had to leave the key on the dining room table.  They hadn't wanted me to even go into the office to drop off my key.  They just wanted me gone.  Like some cheap object, I had been discarded and had been told to vacate the premises by 8am that morning. 
I remember looking at the clock in my car as I pulled out of the driveway, 7:58.
Little did I know at that time that while things seemed bleak and cold, just like the weather, my life was only just getting started! 
Today, after sitting with my journal and the memories, I received an email.  I was invited to serve as a pastoral presence at a panel on the LGBTQIA+ Community and Religion.  Of course, I will go! 
I also received three books that I had ordered to help me prepare for a panel that I will be moderating as a Transgender Symposium in November!  Yay book!
All this and then I got to go to lunch with some clergy friends of mine.  We laughed, we joked, we discussed heavy topics and all the while, we were able to celebrate each other's camaraderie.  In the midst of that lunch, I couldn't help but think back to six years ago when I stood alone and afraid, far from being able to laugh and unsure of where life would lead me.  Looking out into a world that seemed so strange to me. 
Today, I serve in a small church, only two blocks from the hospital where I was born.  It certainly hasn't been easy, and Lord knows that there are easier places to serve, but I have no doubt that today, I am more who God has always known me to be because of those decisions six years ago.  Today, I serve with great joy and love and I stand here for anyone who, like me 6 years ago, feels as though they too are alone and afraid.  I am here today, to stand with those who may feel as though their world is coming to an end, and I promise to keep serving with love so that anyone who feels like I once did, may know that I will walk with them.  I am here to serve so that anyone feeling alone, may know that they are not alone.  I am here to attest that although there are times when it feels as though things are falling apart, very often, they only lead to something bigger and better and just as my world didn't fall apart, neither will yours!  Today, I am here to walk with you, and all along the way, I will remind you that You are beautiful and You are loved! 
Because you are!
Because I am!
Because we always will be! 

Fr. Tom

This week has been a mixture of emotions.  On one hand, there has been joy and anticipation as I prepare to begin a new phase in my ministry as an Episcopal priest.  I have gotten underway at my parish, but now I am about to begin my work as a chaplain at an Episcopal School.  There is excitement, and everything is abuzz as we prepare to receive the children.  I will also be teaching 6^th grade World History and Middle School Religion.  These are very exciting times and the teachers, faculty and staff at the school have been an amazing witness of love and welcoming.  Without a doubt, there have been amazing moments of good throughout the week.  The other side of this week, however, has been difficult because of the way it has touched my heart and the way it has triggered something in me that I believed to have overcome, mainly, the experiences and hurt that I had in another ministerial moment of my life.  Yes, the priesthood in the RC church.  What stands out, is the fact that so many things have come up since hearing about the Attorney General investigation that was released early this week.  For the most part, the things that have come back are rooted in some of the duplicity that I lived through as a seminarian and then a priest in the RC church.  I have even been wrestling with the fact that a priest once told me that I was unpriestly because I didn’t know how to cover for another priest.  (That other priest was seducing women and then abandoning them once he had their way with them.)  I was told that I was uncharitable in voicing my concern about this priest.  I was unpriestly… and he kept having his way with women who yearned to have an honest relationship.  Other stories flooded into my heart this week as well, like the time a priest introduced me to his partner of 18 years.  They had been together for that long and even had a house together, but no one knew.  I never understood why the chose to tell me, but it came as a shock.  By this time, however, I had learned.  I had learned that speaking out only brought about misery.  By this time, I was too far gone and had already received the date on which I knew I could no longer serve as a priest.  There were many reasons, the fact that I am gay, the fact that I was “disobedient,” and even my “health.”  By the time I met the priest’s partner, I didn’t care.  I had stood up to a system that was sick and had lost.  It is as if I had tried to use an ore to steer the Titanic.  The report brought up these and so many more feelings, memories, and emotions.  I cried this week, felt great anger and disgust and even gave thanks to God for having had the stupid luck to leave.  But that was not to be the worst pain I was to feel this week.  Yesterday, it was brought to my attention that on page 438, Fr. Thomas Kelley is mentioned…  At first, I couldn’t believe it, Fr. Tom?  No!  Not at all!  He wasn’t like that.  But as I read this part of the report, yes, and the sad thing is that of all people, he was the last one I would have expected.  His jovial and loving presence has served to shape my own ministry and my approach to service.  Love and joy, even in the midst of pain, but what I didn’t know was that he had caused so much pain and shortly before entering our lives, he had even been involved in things that were not surprising to me, because I had known of them in seminary, but things that I never thought he could be a part of.  To be honest, my heart hurt to read about the allegations and then to connect the pieces of his story and his entry into our lives.  I was sad to think back to so many moments during which he remained silent when asked certain questions and then I thought back to the last thing he ever told me.  The last time I saw him, he was a broken man,  he had been diagnosed with a rare form of cancer and would be dead within a few months.  As I sat in his living room, he was different.  Yes, he was sick, but there was a darkness about him that shook me.  We tried making small talk but eventually, I chose to leave him.  Perhaps he was too tired.  As I approached him to give him a hug, he looked at me and told me one thing, he said “Run!.  Run far away from all this.”  I never knew what he meant, but in light of the report that has come out, I think that now, more than ever, I understand.  Foolishly, I remained, even after those words and I remember clearly where I was on that cool February day when I received word that Fr. Tom has died. 

Just last week, I visited his grave and as I often do, I asked for his help and intercession.  He had been an inspiration for me and through his loving presence, I had moved forward in my journey on many occasions.  This week, however, things are different.  I know who I am meant to be and I know who I am, but to hear the news of this broken man makes my heart hurt and the solitude makes the pain just a little worse.  What scares me about all this is that the Church continues to produce men who enter a world that is unhealthy and sick.  Even recently, I have seen the manipulation and conniving nature of the men that are being formed for ministry.  It isn’t all of them, but even if it's just one, it is one too many. 

I look today at my own journey and give thanks to God.  I will continue to serve with love and joy and will do my best to be a model of faith that is holy and whole.  But as any great philosophy or spiritual leader will say, this growth does not come without pain.  There can be no doubt, there is pain and maybe my visits to Fr. Tom’s grave will become less frequent, but as for where I am going, there is growth and hopefully, a witness of love. 

Thank you for your time and please know that I am alright, I will be alright.  As always, remember that you are beautiful and you are loved.  

Eres Epecial.

Este lunes pasado, tuve la oportunidad de ver el documental que se hizo sobre la vida de Mr. Rogers.  Tal vez esta persona no sea alguien muy conocido para muchas personas, pero para varias generaciones, Mr. Rogers fue un personaje que tomaba el rol de amigo, tio, padre y tantas cosas mas.  Desde el principio de la pelicula, se presento unos de las ultimas charlas que Mr. Rogers dio.  En su manera de hablar, les dice a la multitud; "tu eres especial.  Esto quiere decir que no es necsario resplandecer de alguna manera extraoridnaria para recibir amor.  Ya eres especial y seras amado."  Esta linea me impacto mucho porque me recuerda que mas y mas, se nos esta olvidando el hecho de que somos amados, somos amadas y tenemos la capacidad de amar.  Yo se que esto tal vez parezca ser un poco demasiado dulce, o que es un desafio casi imposible de llevar acabo, pero no es asi.  Yo creo firmemente que cada uno de nosotros somso amados o amadas y que cada uno de nosotros tenemos la capacidad de amar.  Esto no quiere decir que todo el mundo nos caera bien, simplemente quiere decir que el amor es una fuerza que nos llama mas alla de las realidades en las cuales nos senitmos comfortables.  No soy llamado a estar de acuerdo con todos, ni de hacer lo mismo que alguien mas este haciendo, lo que si estoy llamado a hacer es amar y el amor, cuando lo dejamos crecer, tiene una manera de transformarnos poco a poco.  En ese mismo amor, quedamos como personas nuevas, no porque perdamos de peso o porque nos crezca el pelo, sino porque en el amor, entramos a un lugar donde se transforma la raiz de nuestro ser.  Alli en lo profundo de nuestro ser, quedamos cambiados y transformados y eso es el poder del amor.  No de llevarnos a un lugar de perfeccion, sino a un lugar donde la falta de perfeccion se olivida por lo que reoconocemos como lo posible.  El amor es posibilidad y aqui tenemos la oportunidad de ser personas que viven en una realidad mas plena porque amamos.  Recuerda, eres amado.  Eres amada.  Eres bello.  Eres bella.

P. Ricardo

Un amor mio. Un amor tuyo.

Cada dia, hay tantas cosas que tratan de cobrarnos la paz.  Poco a poco, esas cositas que tal vez parecen no ser nada, tienen la posibilidad de crecer hasta quitarnos los precioso y valoroso que tenemos.  Muchas veces, en un instante, la paz que cargamos se desaparece y quedamos en un lugar vulnerable en el cual tenemos la tentacion de creer lo peor de lo que se nos dice y los que hemos escuchado a lo largo de nuestras vidas.  Es en esos momentos que tambien tendemos quedar en un lugar en el cual nos creemos demasiado lejos del amor.  No solo el amor de Dios por nosotros, tambien el amor de otros y el amor propio.  Nos creemos demasiado perdidos para creer que el amor es posible y todo aquel mal que siempre esta tan cerca, llega y toma posesion de nuestras vidas.  La realidad es que el amor no es como una targeta de credito que requiere una constante atencion para poder ser eficaz.  No, el amor es algo que se cultiva a lo largo de nuestras vidas y que se comparte.  El amor es algo que crece entre mas lo demos y algo que nos va transformando poco a poco.  El amor nos llama de la tumba a una vida nueva y nos ayuda sanar las heridas que hemos recibido.  Hoy, no tengas miedo de amar, y no tengas miedo de ser amado.  Dejate amar y deja que en ese amor se revele aquel quien es Amor, Cristo.  Dejate llevar por ese amor y veras que alli esta aquel quien es amor encarnado.  Sobre todo, nunca olvides que eres amado, eres amada y eres hermosa y eres hermoso!

Un Nuevo Caminar

A partir del primer día de Junio, tome la posición de Vicario de la Iglesia Episcopal San Miguel Arcángel.  Debo confesar que entre con miedo y sin saber cómo sería recibido.  Jesús mismo dice que "nadie es profeta en su propia tierra," y no solo he regresado a mi tierra, el hospital donde yo nací queda a solo dos cuadras de la parroquia.  Mi abuela vivía a solo tres cuadras de aquí y nosotros jugábamos en las calles cuando la lluvia las llenaba.  Esta es mi tierra y a pesar de que he navegado por muchas partes del mundo, esta es tierra extraña.  O tal vez sería más apropiado decir que yo soy el extraño.  Sea como sea, la misión es la misma.  En nuestros anuncios de la Iglesia Episcopal, se puede ver esa misión, simplemente es, “La Iglesia Episcopal te da la bienvenida.”  O mejor dicho, todos son bienvenidos aquí.  De primero, eso parece ser un mensaje sencillo que tiene el potencial de atraer a una multitud de gente.  En mi mente, me imagino aquellas personas a quienes se les ha rechazado o aquellos que se sienten rechazados por cualquier razón.  Que significa dar la bienvenida a todos?  Y como es que esta bienvenida radical pueda transformar al mundo?  La respuesta es fácil, pero la práctica es un poco más difícil.  En realidad, el poner en práctica la hospitalidad radical es algo de lo cual no sabemos mucho.  Tenemos hombres santos y mujeres santas que nos pueden ayudar a entender un poco lo que significa este llamado, pero al tener que ponerlo yo en práctica, se dificultan las cosas.  Pero lo bueno de ser seguidores y seguidoras de Cristo es que el mismo amor que se nos da trae en si la capacidad de amar de tal manera que no nos tenemos que limitar.  Aun cuando nos sentimos que no podemos entender o que no podemos estar de acuerdo,  el amor que Cristo nos presenta es uno que nos invita a vivir de una manera en la cual nosotros reconocemos que no somos los salvadores ni los mayordomos, sino los trabajadores en la viña del Señor.  Por lo tanto, esa realidad nos da la posibilidad de poder entrar a un lugar nuevo o de recibir a gente que son diferentes a mi y celebrar lo que el amor de Dios está haciendo.  El cambio no es fácil, y ser siervo del amor de Dios significa estar dispuesto a ser transformado de tal manera que nunca podemos regresar a lo que fuimos.  Al contrario, entre más conocemos a Dios, mas cambiamos.  Dejemos que el amor de Dios nos llene y nos lleve a donde Dios quiera, porque a donde sea que vayamos, allí estará Cristo, y el amor de Dios nos saciara. 

Recuerda, eres hermoso y eres hermosa y eres amado y eres amada.  Que Dios te bendiga.  Bienvenido.  Bienvenida.

becoming.

We are becoming.  It is a process that is ever on-going and no matter what we encounter, the process of becoming is only enriched by every single experience we live.  Some of those experiences are more beneficial than others, but no matter what, we are becoming.  This process of becoming, however, has its hurdles.  From the moment our memory begins recording the many wondrous things that we encounter, there are those voices, people, things, etc, that have a negative impact on us, and for some reason, it is those voices that seem to be the loudest when we hit the rewind button and play those voices.  The audio is crystal clear and somehow, it manages to be louder than anything else positive that we may have in our memories.  This past weekend, I was honored to be a part of the Out In West Texas Transgender Symposium.  I was asked to give a talk about Faith and Spirituality and how religious and spiritual places are to respond to the needs of our Transgender Brothers and Sisters as well as how ministers are called upon to serve in a loving manner.  I believe that the two of us present at this talk did very well and I was amazed at how fast the time flew by as we engaged with the people who attended the talk.  What most impacted me throughout this symposium, was the Gospel for Sunday.  It was on the Beatitudes of Jesus.  I was particularly struck by the neatness with which I have always envisioned this story.  For as long as I can remember, the story of Jesus and the Beatitudes was one where everyone gathered in love.  Jesus was there, did his thing and then everyone goes home happy.  But after this past weekend, I was moved to think of those people who perhaps were present who may have perhaps not been welcome.  What about those people who had been hurt because from a very young age, they had grown up hearing that they were bad, or sinful or whatever.  What about those people who just followed the crowd for the sake of seeing what was happening? Or maybe those who were just at the right place at the right time?  No matter who those individuals are, the reality is that those who gathered around Jesus were each bringing their own reality to this moment.  Each must have heard a unique message that may be changed their life, or not.  Either way, I can't help but think of what that would look like today, and more specifically, what that looks like in the context of a church where so many of us have grown up hearing just how bad we are.  Hell is an easy place to put a person that doesn't fit our idea of "normal," but that isn't what the Beatitudes are about, instead, what Jesus offers is a glimpse of the richness and dignity of each and every one of us as God's beloved children.  What we are offered isn't a throwaway teaching that is meant to make us feel better, instead, what Jesus offers is a mirror into which we are invited to look, and to recognize the inherent beauty and love with which we have each been gifted.  No matter who I am, I am loved and I am beautiful and that is something that cannot be taken away by a member of the church or even by the pastor.  By extension, the question falls to me, who will I be in the face of difficulty?  How will I respond when called to love in a radically different manner that calls me to celebrate my brother or sister, someone that is seen as "not fitting the norm."  In my experience of Christ and of God's love, I would like to believe that I would love, not because I wanted to be radical, but because of the recognition of Christ and the presence of the Divine touch in that person, a touch that I myself have already experienced and continue to experience profoundly each day.  This also leads me to talk about the horrible incidents that happened in Sutherland, Texas at First Baptist Church.  There is nothing that I can say that could ever suffice to explain or shed a comforting light on those horrible incidents.  In light of the Beatitudes, however, there is an awareness that even in death, we are alive in Christ, we are alive in the Love that conquers death and we are made new in Him who looks upon us with love and shares life.  In all this tragedy, we are called to remember that in Christ we are called to live in love.  Love. Love. Love.  That's what it is about and we as we share that love with one another, in the sharing, we glimpse the life-giving power of God's love.  Let us not be afraid to love, may we never be afraid to be love, and in our love, may we be radically connected to the one who looked death and hate in the face and who stepped out of the cold darkness of death's tomb.  You are beautiful.  You are loved. And together, we shall live because in our becoming, we are made new!