This week has been a mixture of emotions. On one hand, there has been joy and anticipation as I prepare to begin a new phase in my ministry as an Episcopal priest. I have gotten underway at my parish, but now I am about to begin my work as a chaplain at an Episcopal School. There is excitement, and everything is abuzz as we prepare to receive the children. I will also be teaching 6th grade World History and Middle School Religion. These are very exciting times and the teachers, faculty and staff at the school have been an amazing witness of love and welcoming. Without a doubt, there have been amazing moments of good throughout the week. The other side of this week, however, has been difficult because of the way it has touched my heart and the way it has triggered something in me that I believed to have overcome, mainly, the experiences and hurt that I had in another ministerial moment of my life. Yes, the priesthood in the RC church. What stands out, is the fact that so many things have come up since hearing about the Attorney General investigation that was released early this week. For the most part, the things that have come back are rooted in some of the duplicity that I lived through as a seminarian and then a priest in the RC church. I have even been wrestling with the fact that a priest once told me that I was unpriestly because I didn’t know how to cover for another priest. (That other priest was seducing women and then abandoning them once he had their way with them.) I was told that I was uncharitable in voicing my concern about this priest. I was unpriestly… and he kept having his way with women who yearned to have an honest relationship. Other stories flooded into my heart this week as well, like the time a priest introduced me to his partner of 18 years. They had been together for that long and even had a house together, but no one knew. I never understood why the chose to tell me, but it came as a shock. By this time, however, I had learned. I had learned that speaking out only brought about misery. By this time, I was too far gone and had already received the date on which I knew I could no longer serve as a priest. There were many reasons, the fact that I am gay, the fact that I was “disobedient,” and even my “health.” By the time I met the priest’s partner, I didn’t care. I had stood up to a system that was sick and had lost. It is as if I had tried to use an ore to steer the Titanic. The report brought up these and so many more feelings, memories, and emotions. I cried this week, felt great anger and disgust and even gave thanks to God for having had the stupid luck to leave. But that was not to be the worst pain I was to feel this week. Yesterday, it was brought to my attention that on page 438, Fr. Thomas Kelley is mentioned… At first, I couldn’t believe it, Fr. Tom? No! Not at all! He wasn’t like that. But as I read this part of the report, yes, and the sad thing is that of all people, he was the last one I would have expected. His jovial and loving presence has served to shape my own ministry and my approach to service. Love and joy, even in the midst of pain, but what I didn’t know was that he had caused so much pain and shortly before entering our lives, he had even been involved in things that were not surprising to me, because I had known of them in seminary, but things that I never thought he could be a part of. To be honest, my heart hurt to read about the allegations and then to connect the pieces of his story and his entry into our lives. I was sad to think back to so many moments during which he remained silent when asked certain questions and then I thought back to the last thing he ever told me. The last time I saw him, he was a broken man, he had been diagnosed with a rare form of cancer and would be dead within a few months. As I sat in his living room, he was different. Yes, he was sick, but there was a darkness about him that shook me. We tried making small talk but eventually, I chose to leave him. Perhaps he was too tired. As I approached him to give him a hug, he looked at me and told me one thing, he said “Run!. Run far away from all this.” I never knew what he meant, but in light of the report that has come out, I think that now, more than ever, I understand. Foolishly, I remained, even after those words and I remember clearly where I was on that cool February day when I received word that Fr. Tom has died.
Just last week, I visited his grave and as I often do, I asked for his help and intercession. He had been an inspiration for me and through his loving presence, I had moved forward in my journey on many occasions. This week, however, things are different. I know who I am meant to be and I know who I am, but to hear the news of this broken man makes my heart hurt and the solitude makes the pain just a little worse. What scares me about all this is that the Church continues to produce men who enter a world that is unhealthy and sick. Even recently, I have seen the manipulation and conniving nature of the men that are being formed for ministry. It isn’t all of them, but even if it's just one, it is one too many.
I look today at my own journey and give thanks to God. I will continue to serve with love and joy and will do my best to be a model of faith that is holy and whole. But as any great philosophy or spiritual leader will say, this growth does not come without pain. There can be no doubt, there is pain and maybe my visits to Fr. Tom’s grave will become less frequent, but as for where I am going, there is growth and hopefully, a witness of love.
Thank you for your time and please know that I am alright, I will be alright. As always, remember that you are beautiful and you are loved.
